After I read Amy Tan's Hundreed Secret Senses, I was so depressed. Mixed emotions actually. I wanna cry, laugh..

July 2, I had 2 shifts.. 12mn for SPQ then 7:45pm that night for my first Service Queue shift.

No one loves me. No one notices me. No one is interested and will ever be interested in me.

• Paul Binondo - wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. During the rave party, I even danced in front of him (embarrassing, just thinking about it) but to no luck, he didn't even make an attempt to dance with me. He'd dance by himself and looking busy observing his surrounding, even though I'm right in front!!!
• Ellie from HBUS - at the floor, our eyes would meet, no biggie. During the rave party, due to alcohol's influence I went straight to him and asked where Ms Abby was, he just shrugged and no further questions from him, so I decided to back off. After the party, we (Virgil, Shem, Ces, Gene, Niz, Cathz) went to expressway and ate. Ana from tranche 8 called Shem and invited him over for more drinks, we 'tailed'. Ellie was there, he didn't even try to make friends with me knowing that we had a common friend. Ops-men owned the house, all of them were in-to Maessie and the other girl.. Bitter!
• No one.. No one.. No one.. No one!!!!

Others..

• I need money for Vincent, Vanessa, Nina, my parents and myself
• I want to.. shit! I have a lot of plans that can't even come true.. Won't come true.. Will never.. I can't even construct something coherent!

Have you ever been in a situation wherein the guy you've had a crush on for 6 months is lying next to you yet you have to control yourself *can't kiss him*? And even if you were given enough courage to make the first move, still you know that nothing will happen coz' he sees you only as his friend? Jeez. I was in that situation just 5 hours ago. I was on my way home feeling so empty. I wanted to cry but no tears fell. So empty.

!^~ mla ~^!

I'm in no mood for any Eric these days.

Sunday last week, team Sheila and Jane went to Pansol, Laguna for a joint team building. I wasn't able to get any sleep that day, so I was awake for more than 30 hours.. Well, make that 48 hours coz' as soon as we arrived, they went out to buy foods and drinks and as soon as those were set on the table, we went swimming and enjoyed the night. Last men standing were me, Ron and Lem but I left both guys around midnight to get some rest. I woke up at 5am and Virgil was already outside smoking. We talked casually then he was doing things that looked like we were an item. I didn't stop him coz' I was observing what he was up to. 2 nights ago, Ces, Virg and I went to Coffenista (second time) and slept at Ces' afterwards. That's where everything happened. My life became a mess. Shit!

2 nights ago:

Lakhu brought me to Starbucks.. and he confronted me with everything that has happened.. Buhuhu..

Today is December 23, 2:00pm.. I'm confused with the dates!

So.. December 21, Thursday, Team Sheila was supposed to have a team building/ Christmas party. After our shift, we played the DW adhoc for the that day and that was to play Lucky9 against Ms. Shei. We exchanged gifts afterwards and went to ATC for our lunch at Gerry's. We were to have more drinks at Centerstage (Southmall) but plans had changed at the last minute. We went to ATC's parking lot and vavoom... Tagaytay! I had fun, swear.. It was an amazing experience especially coz' it was an unexpected outing and the place was worth the ride. Starbucks was our one-stop. Ms. Shei treated us Ces, Cath Z, Em and Virg. From 6 to 8, we just filled our tummies with air; laughter. On our way home, we got lost.. nice joyride!

Supposedly, I'm in Anilao at the moment but plans were again changed and I ended up spending my night last night with Ces, Cath O and Eric. Our original plan was to go to Malate. Unfortunately, we met up at around 1am. So we went to BF and had an Obsession and few bottles of beers at Monterey. Regardless of its meatshop name, the place is cool.. And then we slept at Eric's.

I felt so alone last night. After I checked my mail, I went to the rooftop and danced to beat with Niz' player. And then, I crouched and cried for a while. I just felt so empty that time that I felt like going crazy. A lot of things were going on in my head. As in! I just hope that I can sort this out for better connection! Hehe.. I've read some of my friends' (high school) blogs and insecurity crept through my veins. They are so good!

I've mentioned Seth (one of OC's main character who resembles someone I know, or so he claims) right? Well, we have this weird kind of friendship.

While I was still at Anki's, we were talking about our common friends. He mentioned that he doesn't trust Louie's ex because she's lakawan. I was affected. I'm lakawan too, so it made me think that it really might be a turn-off for guys. Last night, Seth kept on checking if Sat night is on. I was tired but I also wanted to spend my night outside and so I went to his place. I only had a few gulps then I was out, very tired. We had weird topics. But it was fun though. I had this great feeling that we were just one tiny step from hooking up. It's just a matter of who's going to lean further. I'm proud of myself that I didn't give in to the moment but partly disappointed. No one knew, probably people who saw me getting inside his room thought that something happened. So my being demur doesn't really matter. But it's also my personal choice.

As for my friendship with Seth, I find it amazing that I kept up with it. He told me that he liked me (pessimist: lust/ probably because I was there) but I'm enjoying it. Unlike before that when someone would tell me that, I would freak out!

Anyhow, let's just see what would happen.. He's still together with his girlfriend. And I respect that, that's how I wanted things to be.